straight sorrow

Like every healthy straight guy, I sometimes find myself thinking life would be easier if I were gay.

After we were finished at the office, my friend Matt and I went to have a drink at his place. Since he’s got a girlfriend, we were soon talking about sex. He says if you’re doing it right, you can get away with anything.
“No really,” he said when I shrugged in disbelief. “If she’s enjoying it, no girl will complain when you get a nosebleed. Sure, if you’ll get all fussy over it, she’ll want you to stop too. But if you just go on fucking her like it’s part of the show, she won’t give a hoot.”

“Of course,” I said. “So, when was the last time you bled on a girl, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Actually,” he said, and winked at Sally, who came in with three cans of Kronenbourg, “the day before yesterday. She punched me when I told her to be rough with me.”

Sally put the cans down and gave me a meaningful look before disappearing to the kitchen again. I grabbed the remote controll and turned up the volume of the tv, so that Sally wouldn’t hear us.

“Tell me, Matt,” I wispered, “how do you make a lady enjoy sex so much that she doesn’t mind any more?”
He laughed. “It’s easy! You just have to lick her for ages.”
“Is that it?” I asked.
“Yeah, tease her. Make her go crazy until she begs you to poke her, and then go on for a bit more before you give her what she wants. And when you stop licking, don’t wipe away the drool. It’s like lube.”

Sally came back in with a three packets of crisps. I grabbed a Real McCoy’s salt and vinegar, my favourites.
“I was just telling George how you like it when I lick you, baby,” Matt explained.
“Do I?” she asked. And then: “Oh yes, I remember now. It’s a shame you don’t do it more often.”
“What are you talking about?” he said indignantly. “I licked you so much last week I had a bruise on my tongue!”

When I had finished my Kronenbourg and crisps they where still arguing about the frequency of Matt giving connulingus.
“Sorry guys,” I said and grabbed my coat. “I’ve got to feed my cat.”
“I can’t believe you don’t remember!” Matt exclaimed. “I’ll give you a good seeing to right now! Bye George, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

But what’s the point in pleasing her now, I wondered, when she won’t even remember you did it as soon as your tongue is healed? It would all be so much easier if I were gay. At least a bloke woulndn’t notice if I had a nosebleed all over his back, until he’s in the shower.